Ask Judge Lynn: “You Are NOT The Grandmother”
Question:
“I an 54yrs old and my son is 29..he and his girlfriend had been living together for about 6 months when she became pregnant. I know it was backwards but nevertheless he was ecstatic…I could tell that his girl’s feelings weren’t as strong as his but I was going to stay out of it and give her the benefit of the doubt…well after the baby arrived I suspected that she wasn’t his.. after a couple of months..I convinced him to do a DNA and my suspicions were right..he was devastated to the core..I was even worried about him for a while..he and the girl went there separate ways, but he says he cannot let go of the love he has for her daughter..she was 3 months when we found out and she’s 18 months now and he has her EVERY weekn..the biological father is not involved in her life at all..I can’t figure that one out..he refused to take his name off the birth certificate, consumes his weekends with her(his only free time to be available to find a real woman because he work nights), and has taken on being a father for her in every way..I have not wanted this to come between us..he’s my only child..we divorced when he was 13 and he and his father are estranged. I thought he would be ok seeing her sometimes and eventually move on..I never thought he would take on the total father role..I don’t like what was done to him and I don’t want to play grandmother when I know that I’m not..but it seems that the reality is that he is not changing his mind..I mean, I care about her, I just know how it all went down and I’m not down with it… but it continues to be a rift in our relationship..do you have any advice for me?..I’m open..thank you” — Bonita
Answer:
“You know what they say: God grant me the peace to change the things I cannot accept, accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.
So you have to ask yourself is your son’s love for this little girl something you can change? I don’t see that happening based on what you said.
So then you have to ask yourself what’s so awful about his love for that girl? You say it keeps him from dating. That may be true, but he’s a grown man, when he’s ready to date he will.
In the interim he loves that child and she loves him. That is deeply satisfying to both. She has a caring father in her life. That is an wonderful and beneficial thing. That love and care is huge. If either lost that they would both be devastated.
Let’s take a look at that in comparison to the manner in which the relationship affects you. What does staying angry about “how things went down” do for you? It doesn’t appear to be changing his mind, correct? So what IS it doing? It is straining your relationship with your son, your shared DNA notwithstanding.
Making peace with the way things are is easier when you decide to concentrate on the positive aspects of the way things are. You could have a very fulfilling grandmother role. Personally I think that’s a great job. I enjoy being one.
I can’t tell you what to do I can only tell you how I see it. Me, I’d choose to love in abundance as opposed to harboring a grudge alone. He’s happy. The child’s happy. You could be happy too if you chose to.” — JLT