You, That Dude and Your Self-Esteem
I got a question from a woman hurt by the fact that her man (of 4 years) left her for another woman and married her within a year. She’s having a hard time coping with the fact that he moved on so quickly and is now so happy.
To Ms. B who wrote that she dated this guy for 4 years. He cheated on her with another woman, who he eventually left her for. They then married. (She also says that she thought he was selfish and a bit of a narcissist) She’s upset that he seems to be happy now and finds it to be a big blow to her confidence. She’s having a hard time with it.
HEAR ME. His being happy with another woman is no reflection on you. It just means they were more compatible than you and he were. That’s it and that’s all. You say you thought he was a narcissist … so clearly he wasn’t your dream companion. Now you have the opportunity to find a man that suits you better. One that is not selfish.
LADIES, quit defining your worth based upon whether or not you have a man. Please stop wondering why some other woman got the guy you wanted as if you lost a battle for the last man on earth and that it means you are not lovable. It means he wasn’t the guy for you long term. Your value is based on your heart, your spirit, your soul, your accomplishments.
I have been left by a number of dudes. After a couple of days and a new pair of shoes or something I kept it moving. I knew my value. I also knew my quirks. Everybody’s not going to like what I bring to the table. Some guys got sick of me and my need to be alone and my fears about going out or whatever nonsense I was dealing with at the time. I believe at least one simply met a woman he liked better. I don’t know for sure because I didn’t inquire.
Next thing you know I was “Involuntarily emancipated” Unintended, to be sure, but free nonetheless. My friends still loved me, my degrees did not fall of the wall and my employer kept paying me. I remember one guy who left me in Law School at the end of the year. After the summer, when we got back to school I hugged his new girlfriend and told her they were a cute couple or something so she wouldn’t feel weird every time she saw me.
I got a new guy over the next summer who dumped me after 6 months. By phone … long distance. He called a year later while I was reading a really good book. I said “Hey, how are you?” He said, “fine,” then started talking about I don’t know what. Five minutes in he realized I wasn’t listening and said, “Well I’ll let you get back to what you were doing.” I said, “okay, it was really good hearing from you though.”
I don’t know why they didn’t want me because I never asked why and never let them explain. What difference would it make? They didn’t want me. What was I going to do? Beg? Tell them why they’re wrong? Ask them what’s so wrong with me? Offer to change? Please. They all moved on to new women. Often, I found that I liked the wives of some of my exes more than I like them. But what’s that got to do with me? It freed me up to find Eric. Took almost 30 years but I got the right guy.
LADIES, BOSSUP, please.