This was on my mind ...

Well Rested

It may be early but I am well rested nonetheless. Going to work so my blogs will be brief and intermittent. Had a great conversation the other day about parenting with a woman I just met. When I get a moment I will comment. I have strong beliefs on that issue (as do, I assume, most people). A couple of people asked me questions that I intended to answer but for the life of me I can’t remember who asked what when or where.

A special holler to my Crew. You guys have a great day.

Return of The Night Stalker

No. It’s not a bad movie. It is my current condition. Can’t shut off my brain. Can’t sleep. Found 14 in my office bed again (I am going to have to get to the bottom of that).

I permed my hair last night and burned my scalp. I will say this for myself, though, dinner was good. Nothing fancy but everybody ate it.

Sweating the tube as usual, I know that is a part of my midnight wanderings. Read a book, though, from beginning to end. That was a luxury.

Feel like I’m back stroking through butter. I forgot to call my mother.

OK THAT’S IT. I’M THROUGH WHINING!

Now it’s time to kick ass and take names. Except in the most extreme of circumstances a mood is something you can dictate. I am, as of this moment, declaring conviction, dedication, and dare I say it? JOY.

Peace.

6:30 am and All is Well

Storm is over. Everyone still standing. There were a couple of moments at the DMV and when ordering clothes on-line for the boys B@#$#h Lynn slipped passed me and tried to say something but I caught her just in time.

14 was asleep in the day bed in my office this am. His room is huge. My office small. I ask “what’s up with that?” He says “spilled Gatorade in my bed, didn’t want to sleep in it.” (this from a boy who actually made up his bed with a plate of spaghetti in it – and as if that wasn’t bad enough – he got in it that night and woke up with spaghetti hanging off his back. – no lie – true story). You see how well my “No food in your room” rule is working.

Gotta go while I still have morning brain. There is work to be done.

Have a wonderful Saturday.

I'm Not Sure What Happened

Every morning my husband gets a weather report and it has nothing to do with 110 degrees hot and sunny (which is the looped recording we get here in Phoenix). He gets it from me.

I can be a little moody. I contend everyone is a great deal more moody than they acknowledge. Usually when folks get upset they attribute it to a situation without first assessing their own emotional landscape, which is a mistake – and clearly a blog for another day.

Be that as it may, I am moodier than most. (ask anybody who lives with me). I have a great out-of-the-house edit button that I perfected in court. You can’t go passing your bad moods around when you have a robe on. I believe more judges should be emotionally aware – did a judicial education course on that which was not well received – got racial and everything – but, that too, is a subject for another day.

Here, in my own home (which I pay the mortgage on) I feel a certain sense of entitlement. That having been said, I don’t believe I should just blithely pass my attitude along. That’s the whole purpose of the weather report. To put a name on any mood I might be sporting in the morning so I can keep an eye on my lesser self and just as a precaution so everybody knows what’s up. Was preparing the weather report for today and to my surprise we have an unusual weather pattern I have not seen in a while:

Without any warning from threatening skies, Bitch Lynn blew in some time last night. Winds up to 100 miles an hour. I don’t know what happened, but I’m irritated.

Here’s the thing. Nobody is going to get knocked down. I am aware and I am responsible. I will be extra nice. I will request space. I will barricade myself in my room if I have to.

I write this to give my irritation form so I can have ‘you know who’ in my sights and not let her run my day. Usually I ask for personal prayer. Today you might want to throw up one for the family.

Peace – I’m looking for it.

Other People's Stuff

I get a lot of requests for advice. And, as I always say, I never answer specific questions but if someone raises an issue I think is of general interest I blog on it. Actually, I have had a few questions about this general topic so here is my ten cents worth on Other People’s Stuff.

When I say Other People’s Stuff I mean other people’s drama and personal problems that they visit on you. Some people are like that you know.

The adage ‘misery loves company’ is true. In addition, I think there are people out there who like being the center of attention. So when they drag you into their stuff or manipulate you with a lot of emotional garbage it makes them feel powerful.

This one young lady told me about their parents messy break up – a father who guilts her – she’s feeling responsible for how her mother gets treated. Can’t express an opinion specifically on that but here are the questions I’d ask myself.

1. Are you helping or enabling? If you are helping, the situation changes and gets better. If you are enabling you are soothing people enough to allow them to continue in their unhealthy patterns.

You can’t fix another person’s toxic relationship with someone else. They have to. You can feel badly for people but if the situation is messed up and you conitnue to behave in the same way as you have how is that going to improve anything? If it didn’t work on Monday it won’t work on Thursday.

Now if you are making the situation better or have a new way to go and you think it might help go ahead. But if you are running around in the same circle what have you accomplished except continuing the pain?

2. What is this situation doing to you?
Are you starting to define yourself by other’s weaknesses, problems or insecurities?

Yes you love your relatives and you want them to love you. But you can’t make people express their love or even behave appropriately towards you. If they can’t that has nothing to do with you. ID them as a person you love with problems. Then you don’t take it personally.

I have a story in My Mother’s Rules about my mother never understanding why her father could leave her, her mom and brother and sisters in such dire poverty. So she went to the town that he was living in and saw that he was an alcoholic and began to understand what that meant. That, she said when she put a period on it. Booze not his feeling for her dictated his day. Nothing personal. Feels that way but it isn’t.

So if you are dealing with family who has issues name it, acknowledge it and work at letting it go. It’s not easy but make that a goal. Then work on that instead of trying to change people.

3. Have you’ve done the best you can?

If so don’t feel guilty.

4. Do you have a family of your own that not only deserves your time and attention but appreciates it?

They should be your focus.

LINES I WOULD USE:

“I love you but I can’t help you.”
“I am so sorry you feel that way but I’ll always love you”
“I wish I could fix this but I can’t. I love you but don’t bring this to me anymore. I’ve done my best.”
“here’s what I think you need to do ______ Cause what you’re doing isn’t working and it hurting everybody. Take my advice if you want but if you don’t we can talk about anything except that mess.”

If things get better you can always have a closer relationship. But in the mean time you have to decide what this things does to you. And you can.

Get strong. Get an attitude – not a nasty one but of good humored cool and glacial calm. Globalize your Pain Quotient – you do not live in a war zone or the drought ravaged Sudan – your pops is childish and self centered.

It’s like a life guard. The first thing they learn in life guard school is how NOT to let a panicking drowning person take you down with them. Break their hold, then assess do your best, but get to the beach alive.

For what it’s worth.

More from JudgeLynn

Divorce Court

Speaking

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Books

*Audiobook Version*
My Mother's Rules" is a humorous, easy to follow self-help guide to managing your emotional life.

My Mother's Rules" is a humorous, easy to follow self-help guide to managing your emotional life.

Using lessons learned on the bench along with humorous anecdotes from her own 30 year marriage, Judge Lynn Toler wrote "Making Marriage Work" as a logical and simple guide to bringing back the practicality lost in relationships over the years.

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Well Rested

Posted by on Aug 4, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments

It may be early but I am well rested nonetheless. Going to work so my blogs will be brief and intermittent. Had a great conversation the other day about parenting with a woman I just met. When I get a moment I will comment. I have strong beliefs on that issue (as do, I assume, […]

Return of The Night Stalker

Posted by on Aug 3, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments

No. It’s not a bad movie. It is my current condition. Can’t shut off my brain. Can’t sleep. Found 14 in my office bed again (I am going to have to get to the bottom of that). I permed my hair last night and burned my scalp. I will say this for myself, though, dinner […]

6:30 am and All is Well

Posted by on Aug 1, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments

Storm is over. Everyone still standing. There were a couple of moments at the DMV and when ordering clothes on-line for the boys B@#$#h Lynn slipped passed me and tried to say something but I caught her just in time. 14 was asleep in the day bed in my office this am. His room is […]

I'm Not Sure What Happened

Posted by on Jul 31, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments

Every morning my husband gets a weather report and it has nothing to do with 110 degrees hot and sunny (which is the looped recording we get here in Phoenix). He gets it from me. I can be a little moody. I contend everyone is a great deal more moody than they acknowledge. Usually when […]

Other People's Stuff

Posted by on Jul 30, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments

I get a lot of requests for advice. And, as I always say, I never answer specific questions but if someone raises an issue I think is of general interest I blog on it. Actually, I have had a few questions about this general topic so here is my ten cents worth on Other People’s […]