This was on my mind ...

For Chas S. Happier Love Tweets

 

 

This is for Chas S. She wants me to tweet about relationships more … ones that are happy. And I thought about it for a while. Then I reviewed my tweets and thought my goodness, she’s right. I do sound like a bit of a scrooge LOL!

So … I tried to find something to say that wasn’t old or corny and that I truly liked. I tried to say something of value and well, it sounded forced. Then I began to think why I was having such trouble: A. What can I say about LOVE that hasn’t been said far more often and by far smarter people than me? Quotes on love and the happiness it brings abound. B. Everybody idles at their own speed. You can always tell when one’s thoughts (or tweets) aren’t in character. C. I talk about what I see. I gather thoughts and themes based on the streams of information I get. Divorce Court … ya know?

I think I know what Chas is looking for (I could be wrong) but I believe she’d like to hear hope and a positive take on a lasting and meaningful love. Here’s the thing:

  1. I am who I am. (for better or worse) and I think the way I think. I have never been a romantic person. I’ve been called a romantic curmudgeon and I suppose you could look at me that way. I might not be much in the romance department but I’m great in a crisis.
  2.  I suppose I could quote others on love. I quote others about a lot of things but those quotes are everywhere. People tweet what interests them.
  3. I think my quotes about relationships, though not warm and fuzzy, are in support of love. I’ve been married 27 years, most of them happy. (everybody goes through things) We all know how good it feels but what you have to know is how to make it last. I like to pass those thoughts along for instance …

“Never hook up w/someone who is weak in the same places u r. Diversify ur dysfunction. Give the ‪#relationship a chance.”

 

I think that’s helpful. My mom and I were discussing why our marriages lasted and this was one of the reasons. Both parties brought something to the table the other didn’t have.

Then again, everyone says communication is the key. I like to tweet about ways to get that done.

‪#feel#THINK #act … in that order and with that emphasis.”

 

“Talks rarely end better than they start out

Hard 2 get 2 a rational resolution when u come at folk w/all kinds ‪#crazy.

Stay calm. Get heard.”

I have found, however, that most of my tweets are about controlling your own emotional state which is an all consuming personal pursuit of mine. I also like to laugh, mostly at myself.

“Always trying 2 b on some ‪#positive stuff. ‪#Negativity

shows uninvited enuff. No need 2 hunt it down or pull it in”

 

“Every time I walk by a mirror my body says “Oooh, girl, you need to do a sit up or something…” ‪#LazyLazyGirl

 

And yes, I do issue warnings and the like. But people ask me about getting hurt or picking the wrong guy. I like to note the pitfalls when I see them.

 

“Loved u yesterday, love u 2day. Tomorrow’s on u. Love is a 2 way street ‪#relationships: I give u my all. ‪#Reciprocation‘s nonnegotiable.”

 

So there it is, Chas. I tried but it turns out I’m not that girl. The great thing is twitter is full of people who think about all kinds of things in very different ways. I bet there are a lot of people out there that Tweet those kinds of things. That’s the beauty of diversity in thought and personality. I love knowing and dealing with different people and enjoy their perspective for what it is. That said … lol, your tweet gave me pause and an opportunity to look at myself through others eyes. I’m always looking to upgrade.

ALL THE BEST, JLT

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THIS GIFT?

Today is a singularity.

There will be other days.

For most, but not all of us, there will be a tomorrow.

But Today, this particular twenty-four hours is a one-time thing. Once it’s gone you cannot get it back.

Of course, this idea is neither novel nor hard to grasp. Today and its singular nature happens everyday, which, in part, is the problem. Its regularity often obscures its singular nature. The very fact that there are so many Todays keeps us form realizing the immense value in any particular one.

And then there is the business of living that so often gets in the way. It is very easy to become consumed by every day emotional adventures. Traffic, bosses, schedules, children, waiting … it can be so constant and immediate that it sucks up all of your attention. You can easily get overwhelmed by all the things you have to do just to get from one day to the next. You work, you handle problems and you put out fires. The business of living often leaves us feeling we have time for little else.

That said, I’d still like to make a plea for celebrating Today. To honor it doesn’t take much time and the benefits are enormous. There are a whole lot of different ways you can live any particular moment. Each one, in and of itself, is both an option and an opportunity.

You can fill it with worries despair or regret. You can spend it nursing old hurts and anger. You can zone out on the couch and binge watch your way into feeling nothing at all. Or you can take a moment, just one or two, and acknowledge the singularity that is Today. Then you can decide to do something special with it.

You can do one small thing that helps you achieve a dream you haven’t thought about in a while. Small acts in pursuiFullSizeRender-6 copy 5t of a distant goal will get you there eventually. You can perform an unexpected act of care for someone you love. You can take a moment to care for yourself by entertaining a pleasant memory or get together with others who appreciate Today as well. Community, fellowship, support in general works wonders for all involved.

Valuing Today is all about taking the time to be grateful for it and doing something worthwhile in it. The context and meaning of your life is established from moment to moment. Don’t get so distracted by the day to day that those moments just slip away.

HAVE A WONDERFUL TODAY!

10 THINGS I LEARNED IN 27 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

DSC00352Ten Things I Learned in 27 Years of Marriage

Number 1:

I had more June Cleaver, Claire Huxtable genes than I thought. Nothing like love to make you feel oddly domestic in ways you swore you’d never do.

Number 2:

I don’t know where they got this from but I did not find that 2 can live a cheaply as one.

Number 3:

People have financial personalities. Savers gotta save. Spenders … have to get with the program.

Number 4:

A marriage will glide for a while but sooner rather than later you have to put your thrusters back on before you lose too much altitude.

Number 5:

A sense of humor is invaluable.

Number 6:

You never get to stop talking about it.  Ever.

Number 7:

Marriage counselors should be a go-to-whenever event, not a near-the-end-of–the-marriage event.

Number 8:

At some point you and your partner will find yourselves hanging on for dear life trying to survive the kids.

Number 9:

Number 8 can last a very long time … just sayin’.

Number 10

You know you’ve got the right guy when the both of you forget your wedding anniversary and both of you think it’s funny.

THE DISPOSABLE MAN THEORY

The Disposable Man Theory

When I was 16, I thought men were disposable. . If one did anything I didn’t like, he was out. I disposed of them, regularly.

By 26, I thought men were indispensible. Wanted marriage and a baby. Not having one made me feel like a failure, fleetingly.

At 36 I had a husband, kids but in misguided effort to make the marriage seamless I lost my voice. My Disposable Man theory came back to bite me. I never learned to work things out with one. I was frustrated, increasingly.

By 46 I was unhappy and unheard. The constant calm I sought required endless one-sided compromise. I was resentful, relentlessly.

Here I am at 56, balanced and calm. I have an “Us Outlook” that doesn’t offend my Need 2 b me. I speak freely, compromise wisely. I am contented, completely.

BETTER THAN YESTERDAY

Better Than Yesterday

“She Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”

Shanika asked for my thoughts on self-improvement. When anyone asks me that I invariably start with this. All improvement requires you to embrace what’s wrong with you.

Owning your weaknesses is not always an easy sell. It’s no fun to stare at the least of yourself but …

Do it anyway.

There is no shame in it. In fact, you actually need to get comfortable with it. You can’t fix something you are hiding from. But if you can look at where you’re weak without feeling embarrassed or ashamed then you’ll be able to pick apart what you do so you can figure how to do something else.

I have always thought that the easiest way to make others comfortable owning their weaknesses was to do it myself. So when I wrote my book, My Mother’s Rules back in 2007, I listed as many of my inadequacies that I could put my arms around. This is how it went:

I too much and I talk too fast and if I’m talking to someone who I think talks to slowly I will finish his sentences for them. I tend to look for the worst in everything and the best in every body. I bore quickly and spooked even faster. I have been known to get distracted by my own thoughts. I engage in worry as an art form and let the most mundane things unnerve me. Details can walk right by me and I’ll never even see them. I have no domestic abilities despite my ongoing and deliberate attempt to acquire them. I am a control freak and tend to suffer from all of the fears and power absorption that this trait often inspires.

My Mother’s Rules p. 19

The funny thing is as I look back on it now I realize that the woman I laid bare in my book doesn’t live here anymore. (Further supporting my contention that getting up close and personal with what’s wrong with you is the best way to be a better you.)

Of course, I am not perfect. In fact, I have a whole new list of things that I’m working on. But my new weaknesses are lower order inadequacies. I am better than I was. Which just goes to show

 

Toler_01-Slides_041You can be true to yourself without

being glued to yourself.

 

Here’s what I realized the other day.

The woman who engaged in worry like it was an art form, while not gone, rarely gets a hearing anymore. She’s still there, to be sure, but when I see her coming, I can give the hand, “Bye, Felicia!”

 The chick who couldn’t find a detail to save her life has been replaced with a grown woman who can decide to be focused and well-oriented when circumstances require and dog a detail with the best of them.

 I can, again when focused, slow my speech and let others get to the end of their own sentences.

 Most importantly, the little girl whose peace was in pieces all the time has simply grown out of it. Took her 50 years but she’s gone. I can find peace On the Regular. Not On the Always but On the Regular.

 Still can’t cook. The only change there is I don’t care as much anymore. Kids are grown. Eric’s a big boy. I have nothing to prove.

Here’s my list of new weaknesses:

I over-mother sons #5 and #6 and (according to popular local opinion) the dog as well. I want things to work out. I tend to dip in when I should lean back. I understand that I drive my men a little crazy.

 I have not seen nor do I know anything about the concept of moderation. I am either at dead stop or over-drive. I am either taking over the world or taking a nap. I am an exhausting woman to live with.

 I still talk too much … I can curb that propensity when it’s brought to my attention, but otherwise I am all words all of the time.

 Though I no longer engage in worry as an art form I do it far too often. I am pressed, stressed and under duress when there is no need for it at all.

 I start things that I don’t finish. My life is a series of sentences that end with an ellipsis.

 I am cheap. I can hold on to a dollar so hard it makes George Washington squeal.

 

So there it is, my first recommendation:

Don’t just put your best foot forward focus on the one dragging behind.

That way you know what needs fixing.

 

In Better Than Yesterday Part II

I’ll tell you a few things I use to help me improve.

PEACE

More from JudgeLynn

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*Audiobook Version*
My Mother's Rules" is a humorous, easy to follow self-help guide to managing your emotional life.

My Mother's Rules" is a humorous, easy to follow self-help guide to managing your emotional life.

Using lessons learned on the bench along with humorous anecdotes from her own 30 year marriage, Judge Lynn Toler wrote "Making Marriage Work" as a logical and simple guide to bringing back the practicality lost in relationships over the years.

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For Chas S. Happier Love Tweets

Posted by on Jun 5, 2016 in This was on my mind, Uncategorized | No Comments

    This is for Chas S. She wants me to tweet about relationships more … ones that are happy. And I thought about it for a while. Then I reviewed my tweets and thought my goodness, she’s right. I do sound like a bit of a scrooge LOL! So … I tried to find […]

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THIS GIFT?

Posted by on Jun 3, 2016 in This was on my mind | No Comments

Today is a singularity. There will be other days. For most, but not all of us, there will be a tomorrow. But Today, this particular twenty-four hours is a one-time thing. Once it’s gone you cannot get it back. Of course, this idea is neither novel nor hard to grasp. Today and its singular nature […]

10 THINGS I LEARNED IN 27 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

Posted by on May 29, 2016 in This was on my mind | No Comments

Ten Things I Learned in 27 Years of Marriage Number 1: I had more June Cleaver, Claire Huxtable genes than I thought. Nothing like love to make you feel oddly domestic in ways you swore you’d never do. Number 2: I don’t know where they got this from but I did not find that 2 […]

THE DISPOSABLE MAN THEORY

Posted by on May 29, 2016 in This was on my mind | No Comments

The Disposable Man Theory When I was 16, I thought men were disposable. . If one did anything I didn’t like, he was out. I disposed of them, regularly. By 26, I thought men were indispensible. Wanted marriage and a baby. Not having one made me feel like a failure, fleetingly. At 36 I had […]

BETTER THAN YESTERDAY

Posted by on May 29, 2016 in This was on my mind | No Comments

Better Than Yesterday “She Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” Shanika asked for my thoughts on self-improvement. When anyone asks me that I invariably start with this. All improvement requires you to embrace what’s wrong with you. Owning your weaknesses is not always an easy sell. It’s no fun to stare at the least of yourself but […]