Wants More Respect from wife

Question:

I watch your show everyday as I am on SSID and lost my job due to budget cuts in 2013. First, I have to say that couples don’t know what marriage means when they want to divorce after three weeks. I will be married 34 years later this year, but due to my situation, it is putting a strain on my marriage to the point where I can see no other way out but to get a divorce. I have read your book, “Making Marriage Work.” but my wife is the type of person you have on your program who insists that I do all the work at home since she is the one with a job. The kicker is we have five cats and she pays more attention to them than she has given to me in a long time. Or, to put it another way, she makes me feel like an employee who should wait on her hand and foot, and I am getting very tired of it. Judge Lynn, I admire the work you do on your program, is there any hope for me? I would have sent a comment by Twitter or Facebook, but as difficult as it is to believe, I can’t afford them, even though it seems to be the only source of communication these days. What ever happened to email? I will patiently await your reply.

A loyal fan

Answer:

 First of all I have to admit to some things about myself that could color my opinion. I was raised in a house where my father worked and my mother did everything else. He did nothing around the house. He didn’t even pick up his clothes off the floor. But that’s the deal they cut. Dad made it clear when he married her that was what he needed. In return, he provided very well for her and us.

 Once I married, I worked full time and did 90% of the housework. I think my husband and I fell into that because that is the role both he and I knew from our families. We never talked about OUR new reality and how disproportionate that made our workloads. I must say though, that he tended to work longer hours so it was almost impossible to alter that.

 I am not sure how your household duties are split or if you simply do them all.  Nor do I know how many hours your wife works outside the home. Either way I think one of the most telling parts of your comment is that “You feel like an employee.” And she pays more attention to the cats than she does you.

 I don’t know if you and your wife argue about chore distribution but even if you do that’s probably missing the point. Looking at your situation from way over here I would say that the crux of the matter is you don’t feel valued. That your wife feels and acts in a way that demonstrates she doesn’t respect you.

 You are doing work that the world at large tends to devalue. Add that to the fact that you have spent so much of your life feeling the respect that people give to those who “make money” as opposed to beds. That loss you feel for what you used to do is real.

 All of that messes with your head.  You are dealing with a lot of negative feelings about something that is very central to your person and it doesn’t appear from what you said that your wife understands that.

 The first thing I would recommend is make sure you value you. Make sure you have things in your life that make you feel good about yourself. Do you have something you always wanted to pursue? Be it education, hobby, whatever it may be just so you don’t feel solely defined by what you do in the house.

 The second thing is make sure your wife understands just how devaluing her behavior is. This must be done calmly and cooly. Make sure she knows that in order to stay in this relationship you have to feel like a man in it. I don’t think that necessarily has to do with who does what chores but more with how she treats you, how she talks to you and how she deals with you.

 The cat thing is just wrong. Explain to her if things don’t change you believe it could end the marriage. Give her a chance to get it right. But make it clear that you deserve respect for what you bring to the table. I don’t know if she understands how you feel or not but the two of you need to talk about what the circumstances are doing to you more than you do about who’s doing the dishes.

 For what it’s worth I respect the fact that you’re holding down your end. Just Saying…

Best of Luck,

JLT