Encore

I am going to go at this again – it seems such a persistent theme and I get this same question in different forms a lot. Such heartache over this issue.

In broad strokes the message says is: “He does . . . . ” (and then there is a long list of things that are disrespectful). Stuff that clearly is not good like will have sex with me but won’t take me out in public. Takes my money and treats me badly. Leaves and comes back. Leaves and comes back. And then the question: What should I do?

Like I always say I can’t tell people what to do. All I can do is pose questions I think they need to answer for themselves.

Often the question they want answered is either: Should I leave or stay? or How do I get him to respect me?

I don’t think those are the right questions. What I would ask myself if I were in such a situation is:

1. What am I getting out of this relationship? There must be a reason I am staying: afraid to be alone, financially dependent, so used to it you don’t know what else to do (that’s a big one most people don’t catch – change os HARD for just about everybody – takes little effort to do the same thing you did yesterday tomorrow – change however requires you to think, plan and venture out into the unknown. Hard for most people)

So you have to answer that question: what am I getting out of this relationship. “I love him” is not an answer. It is a consideration but it is not an answer. If love was enough you wouldn’t be asking whether or not you should stay in the relationship.

2. How can I change myself in order to effect a change in the relationship? If you want to stay but don’t want things to stay the same you have to change what YOU do. You have to respond differently. Usually you cannot talk people into changing their conduct especially if it is working out just fine for them. You have to change how you respond.

If I was with a guy who only wanted me for sex and no more I’d say no more sex until I got more from him. The risk in that is that I will lose him. (I think that’s what scares most women). But the question I would ask myself then is:

3. What have I lost? In the example above I didn’t lose a guy who loved me or was caring for me but I rid myself of a guy who was using me like an unpaid hooker. If it was a guy who kept going off and coming back I would look at it this way: I need security. (that’s a personal thing – you have to decide what you are looking for in a relationship). A guy who kept leaving and coming back is not providing me with that so I’d be done.

4. Last but not least you have to ask yourself: How bad would it be if he left? In other words can I handle it? Me, I’d wonder what opportunities for happiness I am passing by in order to hang on to something that wasn’t making me happy?

Listen, I am not all knowing and all seeing. I have made relationship mistakes along the same lines. Changing is scary but more of the same will get you just that. If the same is okay with you or better than the alternative learn to like your situation. Moaning but not doing is taxing yet unproductive.

There is no magic wand. Just effort. For what it’s worth.