Motivation of the Teenaged Mind

My initial response is AAAAHHHHHHHHH! Mission impossible! But that’s just and emotional thing. These people can be hard. I note the great joy the exception to that rule as demonstrated by the young members of My Crew. You go girls!

I had no great and immediate thoughts on the matter. I usually have one or two. But I came up blank for a minute but I promised so here it is.

This is an issue raised by a new crew member. She wanted to know how she could help a teenaged cousin to do the right thing about his education. I have gotten this one a lot as well. Never attempted to answer it before but, as I said, I promised.

Problem is I have been thinking about it for a while but have yet to come up with what I feel is anything of real value. Worse yet, I do not think any more time devoted to the issue will help. I did some reading on it. (but I gotta tell you, I thought what I read was dumber than what small pieces of wisdom I have so I am going to go with my experience and my gut.) I am going to give you what I have and let the rest of you chime in with anything you might want to offer. As they say, it takes a village. . . . .

1. My first point is the only one I am very sure of. You have got to know your kid. I have had 6 sons. Four step sons. They were adolescents when I met them form ages 9 to 17.

None of them did the same thing and none of them had the same reasons or motivations for doing anything they did. One stayed in trouble and now he is successful happy married. . . . One never got in trouble and he is successful – unmarried by choice (the boy is gorgeous and having fun) and happy.

The ones I made from scratch, known here as Boomy and 17, are as different as night and day. The advice and guidance I give 17 would send Boomy straight to jail. What Boomy gets from me would send 17 to the loony bin.

I said all of this to say you have to know who you are dealing with. The first question is not: What to I do? But: Who is this person? What is his emotional picture? What does he love, hate, fear, want? Until you answer those questions you can’t help them. Because:

2. (and this is something Mom told me) She said “I asked myself not how do I make them (my sister and I) study but how do I make the WANT to study?” My sister and I were like night and day too. Polar opposites. She wanted us to want to do what we needed to do. In order to do that she needed to know what made us tick and show us how studying will allow us to do what we want.

3. Change. I give this piece of advice any time I give any advice. More of the same will get you just that. I used to yell at Boomy. I don’t anymore. I stay calm and I take away what he wants until I get what I want from him. He is currently on restriction. No friends. Progress report was howling. He is very social. I told him no friends until your report card comes in and I see what I like.

Last night I asked him how his homework was going. He said I raised my english grade from 73 to 77. my response “Good job but remember you’re not doing this for me, think of each well done homework assignment as a step towards a social life. ”

Anyway the lesson is you have to try new things if the old ones aren’t working. Suggestions?

A. Usually angry is counter productive with teens. They tend to like to buty heads, dismiss you as crazy person etc. Although I must say, strong male figure doesn’t hurt. Pops can go pop at any time and it’s not fun. They try and work with me so they don’t have to get to him.

B. Which leads me to my second suggestion: Strong lines. Don’t be wishy washy. ” If you don’t do A you don’t get B.” “No earning or learning you can’t live with me.” “18 ad out” “I want you to work now so you can have a good life later – which, by the way you will have to provide for yourself because I don’t do charity work” Be straight forward but calm. BY THE WAY THIS IS FOR BOYS. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ADOLESCENT GIRLS. THEY ARE MUCH MORE COMPLICATED AND I HAVE NEVER WORKED THAT JOB.

C. Maybe he has no idea how that you can do what you love and get paid for it. Show him avenues to get paid for what he likes to do. Spoke to a group of underachieving kids once. (around 12) Asked them what they liked to do? And they were obnoxious – told me the most outrageous stuff. One said I like to Blow things up. I suggested becoming an expert that implodes old buildings or mine blasting.

D. Expose them. They think they know everything. They haven’t seen things that aren’t around them that they really want and can really love. Get out there. Go on the internet find places they can go and see. Groups organizations. Its hard and this is for younger folks but if you know someone with an interesting gig. Hook them up with a look see.

Well, that’s all I have. Yet again, no magic.

Any thoughts?