Flat on my Face in the Two R's

Yesterday, I slipped and fell flat on my face landing right smack dab in the middle of the two R’s. While I consider Fear the most dangerous and difficult emotion to conquer I believe that the two R’s are the most wasteful.

Someone asked me a question over the holidays which gave me pause. (leave it to family to unearth your most deeply held issues with nothing more than a simple question.)

He had noticed a habit of mine I had not realized I had. He explained. I agreed. And then he did it. He asked me why. It took me two minutes to pull up an answer. That doesn’t sound like much but you try it. Two minutes is forever in ordinary conversation time.

Anyway, my answer was “I feel guilty” and no, this was not about my relationship with my step sons or my cooking or other domestic failures.

Something different entirely. Blew me away.

Anyhow, since it was the holidays and as such was not the appropriate time for a melt down, catharsis or any other deep negative personal emotional moment, I stored it for consideration at a later time. That time was yesterday.

And it was there, this Sunday, on the floor of my office I figured out where all that guilt was coming from and what it had made me do. I had an emotion dictating actions that I did not know was there. (and ya’ll know how I feel about that kind of thing!!!!)

That’s what lead me down that dark alley where I spent most of yesterday. I was disturbed by my own failure to realize that decisions I had made, over and over again throughout the years where based on guilt not reason.

That’s not what got me to the two R’s though. That happened when I realized why I felt guilty. I had nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing. I had been convinced I had committed a wrong that I had not. Over and over again I pled guilty to that charge. Good girl, good girl. . .

That’s what did it. That’s what made me lose 24 hours to the biggest dumbest most wasteful emotions I know:

Resentment and Regret.

I spent all day mad that that had happened to me. That I was made to feel badly about something I wasn’t doing.

Don’t get me wrong. Anybody can feel resentment for having been made to feel so badly about something that wasn’t happening and anyone can regret their decision to allow it. There is no crime in that. It’s the time I wasted even more time wallowing in them yesterday that made me a little warm. Enough damage had been done. Now it has taken another day . . .

But you know, as I am writing this I am realizing there I go again. I am all over myself for being human. . .

When you think about it, 24 hours is not that long to get your mind around 20 years of resentment. I’m entitled. No?

In fact, upon further consideration, those involved are damn lucky that’s all of the time I took.

That’s why I love this blog business. Makes you put it into words. Makes you think.

I know I am being oblique and vague but I can’t tell you what it is. . . but it was on my mind. Don’t try to figure it out either. It’s deep and it’s personal. Guessing about it will only make it worse. I just wanted to vent. Take my power back.

And on a happier note. . . .

Here’s a picture of me and my daughter-in-law over the holidays. You should note, as well, that your girl figured out how to post the picture right side up!!!!!