The Other Side of the Fence

As you know, I get a lot of requests for advice – especially in the message section of MySpace and on Facebook now as well. It usually starts with a story about love or the law (makes sense considering what I do) then it ends with the question “What should I do?”

If you have followed my blog at all you also probably know I’d rather tell people what questions they should ask themselves or share something similar that happened to me than to tell people what to do. Mostly though, with big issues I suggest they get help locally.

How can I tell people what to do? I don’t know the people involved and people can only tell me what they see – which may not be what’s really there. As much as I share about myself on a continual basis here on this blog and in my book – people misunderstand me, my actions and my blogs all of the time.

I don’t take it personally because I understand the limitations and misconceptions when you are:

On the Other Side of the Fence.

What brought this on? Two things: 1. A woman who sounded very desperate and at a loss asked me what she should do about a very serious situation. My answer? “Get help from the appropriate resources in your community – in this case – something like National Alliance for the Mentally Ill and a domestic violence center come to mind. It sounds like such a punk, pass-the-buck answer but it is the only responsible one.

Diagnosing from a distance is a dangerous business. And I don’t mean an illness but a situation. What might be good advice for one woman might have horrible consequences for another. I ask people to become informed about their situation and their options because information is power. I am not being dismissive just deliberate. I am on the other side of the fence – how arrogant of me to believe that I can – from a thimble full of knowledge- resolve a problem of any depth or magnitude.

The second thing that occurred is one of My Crew sent me a message asking me how I can be so forthcoming and stand the intrusions that my celebrity and openness invite. (She had a brush with something similar and was annoyed no end at someone else’s presumptuousness.) I feel like I can share what I would do with this because it is a small matter of irritation and not a life altering thing.

Here’s my take on that. You can’t take it personally. People see through their own eyes and very rarely have the ability to really put themselves in your shoes. I am on the other side of the fence and I know that. Misperceptions are inevitable – the key is not to get wound up by them.

Here’s what I would do:

I’d say “I appreciate what you are trying to do but this is really a personal thing with me and ____________. I certainly hope you understand. Why don’t you think of something you can share with her that is just yours? You’ll love it. I know I do.”

After that you’ve done your job, you were kind but set your boundaries. If that angers the other person that’s her bad not yours. Remember what I said about the difference I am just coming to fully understand between being a good girl and a good person.

You wouldn’t believe the things people ask of me. Or things they say that are presumptuous. But that goes with the territory.

Oddness abounds. I am on the other side of the fence. I do not presume to know folks personally nor do I take their misapprehensions of me personally.

I know that they can’t see over that fence any better than I can.

Here’s wishing you. . .

Peace, patience and perspective.