Three Months

This is an old rant of mine. I say it a lot. But apparently it bears repeating. Before I go there though I want to acknowledge all of the responses from people I know I will get. They will tell me that they married after knowing their spouse for 2 weeks and they have been together 25 years or something. I know that happens. There are exceptions to every rule.

AND GOD BLESS YOU I THINK THAT”S GRAND…..

But I still say that is unusual. I believe you should not marry in haste and I have yet to find a cogent argument that changes my position. (and I am willing to change – really – if I find a hole in my logic somewhere).

This month one person asked me about a person she has been with three months. He’s already done something shady and she wants to know should she marry him because “she loves him so much.”

First of all, I know when I give advice to woman who “loves him so much” I am talking to the wind. But here I go anyway. Of course, I can’t tell people what to do – I don’t know enough- ever. All I can say is what I have seen and what I know.

People who get married quickly during that first chemical rush of love often have trouble. They don’t know each other well enough. That’s Divorce Court 101. If you watch the show, you know.

If he is THE ONE what will waiting hurt? That’s the part I don’t get. If you are meant to be together for ever (as the women who tell me this often believe) then waiting to really get to know each other won’t hurt. And yes, I know. . . you guys have talked about everything and seem to have everything in common. . .

But I say: don’t go by what people say watch what they do. People put their best foot forward in the dating phases. People rarely regale you with their faults, oddities and short comings. Not only that, I believe that a whole lot of people aren’t really aware of what all of their faults and weaknesses are. We rationalize a lot. (see Rule No. 1 The Bathroom Mirror Mandate, My Mother’s Rules)

Do you know how he handles conflict and disappointment? Have you seen him when he is sick or frustrated? What’s his family like? People often repeat patterns. Do you know which ones he’s seen?

What are his fears? We all have them. Society does not make it easy for men to give voice to their fears. It is often deemed weak. So they are often compelled to over look them – pretend they don’t have them or, just like us women, they may not have a clue what they are. Fear will make you do some wild stuff.

Also it’s not just about him it’s about you too. Are you firmly planted in reality? Women are forever chasing that Fairy Tale. Do you know where you are weak? Have you shown him the worst of yourself? Does he know what’s wrong with you? There is something wrong with all of us. It’s not fair not to share then wonder why the heck happened.

Is he a Steady Freddy – a guy who will hang in there even when the flame of first love has turned into a glowing ember? And for that matter, are you a steady woman, if that glow goes, will you? Do you expect flowers every week for the next 25 years?

E and I dated 2 years, went to marital counsel BEFORE we got married and we STILL didn’t know a whole lot of things. I think it helped though, knowing who he was and seeing how he responded to all of the ups and downs in our relationship while we were dating. Not a cure all – You know that if you have been keeping up with my blog especially in the early days on MySpace. But it helps.

So there it is, my tens cents worth on quick trips down the isle. Here’s wishing you. . .

Peace and Patience.