Not One but Three

I actually finished – not one – but three things yesterday. I feel so much better. ( I always like to report on my progress. Helps me stay accountable to myself.)

14 was working me yesterday. I really would like to crawl up in his head and see just what’s going on in there. He’s hard to read and impossible to talk to.

Someone asked me about toxic relatives. I think I have blogged on similar topics before. Yolanda??? But anyway, I believe my philosophy on these people is:

Tag ’em and bag ’em.

That’s a line from a movie about Vietnam. When a soldier was injured they’d fight hard to keep them alive. They’d get the medic, would talk to him, pump him up. But the minute he died the commander said “Tag ’em and bag ’em.” Their signal to move on.

Because they were currently in battle and they did not have time to mourn. If they became distracted or consumed by that they were not battle ready and it would cause more deaths.

They did all they could now it was over and they had to move on.

That’s what I like to say about toxic people. Once you have done all you can to create a workable relationship with that person and all they do is give you heartache you Tag Them. “Tagging Them” means you have tried everything you can to get along with this person and you just can’t manage it. So you label them Toxic- IN YOUR OWN HEAD.

That means you make a deliberate emotional decision. This person is who they are and their opinion of me is of no consequence and you are not going to let them upset you. You have to work at it. But it can be done.

That’s the bagging them part. You encase them in an emotional plastic where they just can’t touch you with their words.

You should have a whole routine for them. Say it out loud to yourself. “I am free of this” Don’t wonder why they could say such things to you. Don’t revisit old history. Don’t try to figure out why they do what they do. It is like talking to someone who is actively delusional. You cannot reason with them and you can’t take what they say personally.

If they are in a position in your life where you must engage them, be brief, courteous and move on. When you know you are going to have to deal with them, take your hands and pretend you are opening up a bottle of valium and putting them in your mouth. That will be a concrete action that tells your psyche to be cool (it’s also kind of a funny inside joke with yourself). Don’t let them see you do it though. You don’t want to let them know they are bothering you.

If they start stuff meant to make you angry say things like

“Oh really?”
“Is that right”
“I see”

And no more. Smile.

If you really want to get deep with it, return a dig with a compliment. Example:

“I can’t believe how stupid you are. I don’t know how anyone puts up with you.”

“I see.” pause “nice dress”

This is not an easy thing especially if you have to work with this person to get something done. But people get tired after a while if they can’t get a rise out of you. If they are demanding that you do something and you are not going to do it, don’t engage them in battle or explain yourself. That is an opportunity for them to hurt you and you KNOW they are not going to change their minds about you. So say:

“I’m not doing that.” Let them continue.

“I’m holding firm on the no.” smile.

I believe I shared this before but it is one of my mother’s best lines:

“I wear my knowledge of people like a suit of armor. Words cannot hurt me.”

Globalize your Pain Quotient if you have to. Remind yourself that tens of thousands of people are going to die today of hunger and I’ve got a bitchy sister in law. Then thank the Lord for giving you the lesser of those two evils.

It’s all in how you take it.

There’s no easy fix but the harder you work it the easier it becomes. And of course these simple things won’t work with all situations. But you can think it through and work something out. It is about changing YOUR perspective.

My 10 cents worth.