As They Grow

I received a message from someone who asked me to blog about kids. She said – for the last several years now – she has been missing her son’s childhood days, looking at his baby pictures, reminiscing, missing being called ‘mommy’ now that he calls her ‘ma’ etc. She wanted to know how to deal with this ache she has for his lost babyhood. She’s says it’s getting worse and is making her unhappy.

I get that. I look at my sons’ baby pictures sometimes and think
“Oh how cute and sweet they were!!!” The thing is you can’t focus on that to your detriment. It’s a sweet moment e but don’t let it become ‘a thing’ — and it can only become a thing if you feed the wrong dog: (it’s one of my rules):

You thinking about him as a baby mooning over the pictures missing that is Dog 1. Actively engaging in and learning to enjoy his development growth is Dog 2. You keep up that reminiscing you are feeding dog one. You worked to get jazzed about his new daily phases you are feeding dog 2. The dog you feed the most will get the biggest.

Your feelings will follow your actions.

REDEFINE YOUR JOY

You don’t have children so you can play with a baby. That is a job perk but that’s not the job. The job is to raise a healthy well adjusted human being. Find the joy in getting him where he is supposed to be. Has he found his passion yet? Is he good at something? How much has he been exposed to? Does he know what’s out there and how to get it?

That baby thing is what it was. But you can find joy in all stages of a kids life. Who is your son? What’s his personality? Work to know what makes him tick and find your joy in that. Grow with him. Help him search for his passion and enjoy the process. I got a black belt in Tae Kwon Do and learned to play the piano as I engaged my sons in these activities.

And once your son finds his thing – his passion – there is great joy in watching him embrace it and progress with it. You should see me at baseball games and track meets. Once E threatened to shoot me with a tranquilizer gun. Boomy hit a home run and I was hoarse for a week. 17 (then 15) won the hundred and I was high for two days.

DON’T FORGET WHO YOU ARE

We mothers are great at defining ourselves through our kids. By as they pull away remember to fill that extra time you have with your own passions outside of him. If you do your job right (and have just a little luck – no one can guarantee how a kids going to turn out but you sure can stack the deck) – one day he is going to leave home and be so happy and engaged with his own life and family you’ll be lucky to get a daily phone call. Won’t feel great but that’s a sign of success.

Don’t get stuck in an empty nest. Find something you enjoy. Develop it in stages. Start now. Don’t be caught flat footed on graduation day.

If you do both of those things with energy and passion you won’t have time to moon over pictures to a point where you are consumed by the sense of loss. Look back on occasion and enjoy the memories but don’t get stuck there.

That’s how I’ve looked at it. Work it right and you’ll get the Grandma thing at some point. All the perks with none of the pain. If that’s too far down the road or not in the cards you can always get a baby fix volunteering to care for babies who have no one or helping out a young mother you know who could use a break or the occasional free baby sitting.

You have the power to decide how you feel about this. Use it.