Whispers and Screams

I wrote in my book, My Mother’s Rules that I hear life in whispers and screams. I was reminded of that the other day when someone commented on my gung-ho attitude toward tennis. And she had it just right. I wrote back that I have two gears: overdrive and dead stop. I am either taking over the world or taking a nap.

Anyway, I was looking at some of the requests for advice I get and saw a similar trend. Not so much in terms of effort but in the way people look at things. Got a question from a woman that sounded like so many that I get. Short story was she gave up everything to be with a guy and he turned out to be using her and she wanted to know what to do.

Of course, like I always say I don’t have enough information to give personal advice and wouldn’t do so anyway but I do now realize one reason I feel that I have so little information. I get the story of the wrong but no information about the right. And I don’t mean just whatever might be good about the situation (and in a lot of cases there probably isn’t much) but what’s right about the person.

This particular woman told me of all of the financial sacrifices she made and that she moved to be with him. To leave, she said, she would have to give up a lot of her stuff. The thing is she never told me what she has going for her. How was she in a position to help this guy in the first place? She must have had something on the ball. Whatever that was she still has it. People can take you time and your stuff but they can’t take your talent. Don’t forget about what you know, what you’re good at and what you can accomplish. Use it to help yourself.

I think, as I always say, people know what they need to do when they ask me a question. It’s just that they don’t want to. Sometimes moving on feels like letting the person who did you wrong get away with something. Here’s my take on it:

1.If you want to stay don’t expect the situation to change until YOU do. More of the same won’t help.

2. Feed the right dog. Dwelling on what was and what was so unfair allows whoever did you wrong to continue to hurt you. Make plans to make the situation better or make a move. You have more power than you think.

3. If there is no hope – no love – no care in the situation you are in the question is not so much what should I do but how do I do it?

4. The best revenge is living well.

5. Most stuff is replaceable. Sometimes you have to travel light. What’s more important hanging on to the TV or your soul?

Don’t let other people define you. So many of the women I hear from write, at length, about who the other person is and I have no idea who they are.

You may have been taken advantage of. You lost time and money. You did not lose you beauty, your ability, your talent or your tomorrow. Don’t waste them regretting what you can’t change. Don’t waste time wondering why he didn’t love you or how he could do that to you. Some people do bad things to other people. It is not a reflection on you. It should be a lesson to be more careful in the future but it does not speak to your worth.

My mother always says 9 times out of 10 the bad, unkind or exclusionary stuff people do to you are a function of A) something you don’t know about. We take things personally when we don’t have all of the facts. B) Who that person is. Rarely is it about you. People think about themselves most days.

For what it’s worth.

PS. None of this is easy and you won’t feel better just reading what I say. Emotional repositioning is a job. Work at it and bit by bit you will feel better.