I Dug Deep

You know, I am a big advocate of not spreading foul moods around. I dug deep yesterday and got it together. Sometimes if I just put how I am feeling into words I can take back my mood.

I received my French instructional tapes yesterday and am very excited about it. One hour on that and one hour on the book. That’s what I am shooting for. Ruthie asked what the book is about. It’s a novel. I have no intention on publishing it. It is a labor of love. Something I enjoy to keep my mind occupied. Which leads me to this:

I considered the suggestions that I learn to cook and I am glad you guys made it because it really gave me an opportunity to think about what it was about cooking that eludes me. And when I thought about it I realized I had an underlying resentment about the whole thing. So I thought about it some more and this is what I came up with. It was illuminating and quite liberating.

I can cook. I just don’t do it well. I am not interested in it. I don’t enjoy it and I am not going to work at it.

Check it out, if I were a guy and I was the primary breadwinner, traveled for work, wrote books, produced TV shows – no one would expect me to be a good cook.

I am good at a lot of stuff and I spend a lot of time getting judged on what I do. Getting into Harvard was EXPECTED of me. I ran for judge – asked people to vote for me (had to run around and beg for votes -“I’m good enough, I’m good enough) Then I won when no one thought I could.

Once I took the bench though I had to prove myself again and I couldn’t just be good I had to be all over it because no one thought a 34 year old black chick with a baby could do the job. (There was shock and concern when I won – one counsel person actually started screaming and yelling at the Board of Elections about something had to be wrong).

Then I went on TV and I get judged everyday – ratings. I had to go to dozens of publishers to find one to publish my book (any writer will tell you that there is a lot of rejection involved) And once it was published people read and review my books.

I am all over the kid thing from music lessons, athletics (both games and practices) SAT prep home work PTA, you name it. I have been the person who cooks and cleans through out the marriage even when I was employed full time. When time for college rolls around I will pay for it just like my daddy did for me. He couldn’t cook either.

These days Big E is a huge help. He’s retired now and lately we have been taking turns on the cooking (and frankly he does a much better job).

I’ve been feeling resentful and guilty all these years. But now I’m letting it go. Just because I am a woman doesn’t mean I should be good at all things domestic. Women spend a lot of time trying to be all things to all people and beating ourselves up about it when we don’t do them all well. I think my kids did okay in the mother department, nasty food and all. I am not sweating the food thing anymore.

Superwoman has left the building.