. . . then you decide.

I received a question the other day from a woman who has been dating a guy for 6 months. He wants to get engaged in December of this year and plan for a wedding in December of 2010. She says she doesn’t want to get engaged now because she wants to get to know him better. He is taking that as rejection. She wants to know what to do.

Like I always say, I can’t give personal advice but I can give you my opinion about a topic in general.

My Ten cents worth:

If you watch the show you already know I am a big believer in getter to know a person over a fairly long period of time before you get married. E and I knew each other for 2 years.

Then again, I know people who got married after months or weeks and did fine. I believe those people are blessed and unusual. But it happens. The problem is everybody is all in love and floating early in the relationship. It is hard to distinguish the hot and right now kind of love from the ‘we have what it takes to make it in the long run’ sturdy kind of love AND the necessary skills to make it work.

That’s why I urge waiting simply because if it’s right, it will last even if you don’t exchange rings right away. If, on the other hand, it’s just the hot and heavy and it’s not ‘marriage worthy’ kind, time will usually tell and you can avoid making that mistake.

When I say ‘marriage worthy’ I mean: do you have what it takes to be together long term? That takes more than just love. Love must be nurtured and problems must be solved. Many people who love each other a great deal don’t make it because they don’t know how to feed and maintain that love, resolve conflict and/or have the will and maturity to make it through tough times.

Likewise, just because people don’t make it to the end doesn’t mean they didn’t love each other a great deal. Love is a strong basis but there is work and compromise and communication and life stresses and strength that are involved too. Sometimes great couples fall victim to extraordinary stresses as well. There’s no formula that guarantees success, but there are indications, trends and tendencies.

Back to he original question. When that young lady adds up all of the time until the proposed wedding date she’s getting close to two years which is a fairly significant period of time.

I personally don’t see a need to rush and get engaged. What for? If you don;t know why he’s in a hurry you need to find out. Of course,there’s nothing particularly wrong with it if you use a long engagement – as a period of learning about your mate and the nature of your relationship together – AS OPPOSED TO simply a period of time to concentrate on wedding plans. If you find that you are not compatible during that period the engagement can be broken. Abandoning wedding plans is a lot cheaper and easier than a divorce.

But I’m not the one thinking about getting married. You need to be comfortable so just because the time you are talking about was okay for me doesn’t me it is for you. If you are not comfortable, you have to figure out why not and you should be able to talk to your guy about it, express your concerns and the two of you should be able to come to some understanding that satisfies both of your needs.

You know him (don’t you?) And you know you (are you sure?) So that’s a question only you can answer. Here’s some questions I would ask myself if I were in your shoes:

Why is he in a hurry to get engaged? Have you asked him? Does he know?

Have I sat down with him and expressed my needs, concerns or fears?

If not, why not?

If you have and it’s turned into a huge problem what it does it say about your and his ability to work through problems? Is there a new approach you two can develop to handle that?

Why do you feel you need a third party opinion? Are you talking to others when you should be talking to him (we women do that sometimes) and if so why? Because you don’t want to be disagreeable? Because he doesn’t seem to listen? Are you trying to avoid an argument?

Are you afraid if you don’t agree with him he’ll walk away? Or are you afraid to make him angry? Is he rigid? Are you afraid to voice a contrary opinion? (to me, those are RED FLAGS)

Are you two talking and not getting anywhere? What does that say about your ability to work through problems once married?

Is he hard to talk to? Are you hard to talk to? Have you approached him with a reasonable concern in a reasonable manner? Are you all emotional and come out of the gate aggressive when you discuss things with him? Is your request based on some arbitrary number in your head that’s ‘right” and you are not thinking it through?

Do you have concerns over the nature of the relationship that you are not acknowledging?

What are you not sure about? What things do you want to know that you don’t already? Is the next 15 months or so enough time to find that out? And if not, would you feel pressured into marriage at a particular time because of the engagement or wedding plans or do you have the will to say, we need more time or it’s not right for me?

You need to think about this stuff. Answer those questions both for yourself and in conversation with him and once you do you probably won’t feel the need to ask me.

Communicate, consider, and think. Identify the problems and how you intend to approach them. Enjoy the fairy tale period, navigate the realities, evaluate the difficulties, identify the strengths, get comfortable with what you both feel and know (see blog title)

Like I said. A ten cent opinion.