JudgeLynn.com

It’s odd.

I come here just about everyday with the intention of saying something and some how or another I end up saying nothing at all.

The optimist in me, who is a fairly new being, likes to think that I am writing so consistently on my new book – which in fact I have – that I am just out of words by the time I get here.

The usual Lynn, who is a bit more self effacing, says I am just lazy.

I think for sure it is a bit of mother and wife Lynn too.  As comfortable as I am sharing the daily news around here I am paying a bit more attention to the amount of info I share about the other people who live here.  I haven’t gotten any complaints but still . . .

Hello People! This is my Thinking Hard Face.

I get a lot of questions on Facebook and I always feel badly about not answering.  Though I sometimes have a quick response to something that is relatively easy basically it is something I can’t do.

I can’t answer legal questions because divorce laws are different in every state.   Each county or city within that state also has their own procedural rules.

And with respect to most questions legal and otherwise I simply can’t adequately respond to life issues because there is no way I would have enough information.  Also I am not a therapist.  The only thing worse than giving no advice is giving bad advice.

Moreover if I go down that road I will be inundated and there is only one of me.

That being said:

I can give you my opinion about things generally though, and that is what I seek to do here.

For instance, I get a lot of questions, mostly from women in which they give me a long list of hurts they have suffered from their man and ask me either: What should I do? or Why how could he do that when I have been so good to him?  or Should I leave?*

I can’t answer those questions but I do have some questions of my own:

Why are you with him?  There must be some positives things in the relationship or some very compelling reasons you cannot or are afraid to leave.  You have to know what your pros and cons are and then make a decision.  You have to be clear in your own mind why you are there.  Sometimes fear of change makes you stay. Sometimes its love but then the question becomes is that love reciprocated in a meaningful way?  Sometimes you have no options.  In that case you have to get information and get creative about creating options.

Sometimes it is more about being paralyzed by the size of the decision.  People have a hard time deciding in complex situations – which relationships almost always are – what is right and what is wrong.

Often however,  it is not about the right or wrong decision but choosing which set of problems you want to solve.  Staying has its pros and cons as does leaving.  But most people believe that if they hit the right answer it will all fall in place and you will feel great.  Not so.  You have to decide what you are willing to live with and work through whatever difficulties arise as a function of that decision.

Also the question should I leave or stay may not be the one you need to ask.  Maybe the question is what one thing can I do or want to change about my situation that would make it more livable? Ho can I make progress towards changing things a little at a time in order to be happy?  Then you need to ask yourself if I focus on that how can I make it happen?

I call it Working the Edges.

I Work the Edges of my marriage all of the time.  I was for a time upset about the balance of work in the home since we both work outside the home.  So I decided to work the edges. I said look “I need help with this one thing  because I am overwhelmed”  Once we got that done I made a few more request, reasonably spaced, until it got to a place where I was comfortable and he didn’t feel all dragged around.

Have you tried new ways to deal with old problems?  Does he really know how you feel?  I found at my house that E didn’t always know how I felt even though I thought he did.  I use humor.  Requests.  I make deals and sometimes I just say I can’t handle this one thing.  I learned that change is best a little at a time.  I can’t just get fed up and go global.

By the way I usually can give more attention to issues expressed on this blog.  I have more room to stretch and can come back and forth to it.  Facebook is so immediate and you can’t fix your spelling mistakes without starting all over again!!!!

Recently someone asked this question here:

JudgeLynn, do you think people who are loners,free-sprited need some type of therapy?

The simple answer to that question is:

I do not believe that people need to be standardized. There is a beauty in the vast multitude of personalities that exist and there is no one right way to be.  I have been odd all of my life.  Ask anybody who knows me well.  I am indeed a loner and though not necessarily free spirited and I am a free thinker, social inept, moody . . .  (I could go on but i think you get the picture).

That really wasn’t a short answer was it? LOL

The long answer starts with a question.  What are you referring to?  I think everyone would agree being a loner and free spirited are good things so my question would be is there some dispute between parties as to whether or not those are the characteristics this person is truly displaying?  If they are an accurate characterization then my short answer stands.

But you have to ask yourself, are these characteristics a true depiction of what is going on?  Are other people seeing something else and if so why?

There have been occasions when my separatist way of doing things became destructive to me. I listen to people who know me well and love me and I always consider what they say.  Sometimes its hard to know the difference between unusual and loopy when you are in it.  I have crossed that line before.  I have seen a therapist and I am not embarrassed about it.  Nothing wrong with checking your program on occasion.

That said, normal is not the goal (who gets to say what that is?) Healthy happy and productive is the goal.  Like I said

Ain’t nothin’ easy.

Peace.

*This conversation, by the way does not apply in domestic abuse situations.  You need help with that far greater than I can give.  I belong to GOPurple.org. It is a good place to ge info. (anti-abuse organization)  leaving an abusive situation is imperative but complicated.  Get info. locally too.  Find support systems.  But watch your electronic trail.

First I want to thank all of you who answered my: ” what do you think?” questions on Facebook.  I really do want to understand what I so often see.

I read a lot.  I talk to the people on my show.  I pepper my friends with “How do you? questions”  I read what’s going on on the internet  . . .

as an aside, some of the stuff I see going on between men and women on line is scary.  So much anger and derision.  I suppose there is no hurt like a love hurt and that would lead to anger but wow . . . it gets so universalized.  all women aren’t the same . . neither are all men.

That said, we do have tendencies.  One which I witnessed a lot in your answers to today’s question “what one thing would you tell you spouse/significant other that s/he doesn’t seem to get?”

I think the thing everybody has to keep in mind is that it feels differently. My husband and I can hear and see the very same thing but get something totally different from it.  The thing you have to remember is there is no one RIGHT way to feel.  You have to understand that it DOES feel different and  come to some accommodation about what needs to be done.

For instance that women need to be heard thing.

That used to make my hubby and I both crazy.  He couldn’t understand why I kept telling him about stuff I didn’t want him to do anything about  and  I did not understand how frustrating it was to E to think that he should be solving something and that’s not what needs to be done.

But once I  explained how comforting it was for him to hear me he began to look at the listening, in and of itself, as the solution .   He made me feel better and it doesn’t cost him anything but a few moments of his time to quench that thirst even if he doesn’t share it.  Moreover, I help him know when that’s what I want by saying so . . . Just give the brother a heads up with “Hon. Can I just say this?”  That’s his cue to sit back and soak it in.

Trust me we haven’t gotten it all figured out sometimes we just look at each other and think “What the hell just happened here?”  It’s a process.

Thanks for joining in the discussion, though.

Have any of you learned something about communicated across gender that you would like to share?

Hey, and

PLAY NICE PEOPLE

I am interested in resolution not revolution.

PEACE

Okay so it is

ASK ME THURSDAY.

For any of you new here this is how this works.

I always get questions from people about their relationships so I thought I would create a forum for that. I can’t answer legal questions. Too many different state laws and nuances.  You just can’t counsel on line.

With the relationship questions, I answer the ones that I think I can give a good response to.  I don’t tell people what to do but I help you look at all sides and give my opinion or if I have it, my personal experience, with the topic.

UNFORTUNATELY I CAN’T ANSWER EVERY QUESTION!

So please don’t be offended if I can’t get to yours.

I just pick the ones I think I have a good  answer too.

Anyway, so that’s it.

Got a question?