This was on my mind ...

Memorial Night

lynnchakaCan you imagine having Chaka Khan singing some lyrics you wrote? Now let’s not get it twisted. She wrote most of the song – but I had sent her my attempt at lyrics and she used the hook Do I I Do with You and (as she pointed out to me last night another) another phrase I had used and had forgotten about.

I have been a fan of her since her Rufus Days. She was so gracious and fun. And she blew the roof off of the sucker. She’s a late night girl. Session ended at 1:00 am (and you know me I’m a go to bed at 9:30 get up at 5:00 am type of girl) but for this . . .

It’s also interesting how we hooked this up. Byrd (You know Judge Judy’s bailiff) He knew us both and called and told me she was a fan of Divorce Court so he hooked us up and we’d talked on occasion. Then when she heard about the new show I was doing she said she’d hook up the theme song.

Anyway that was my big secret. I don’t think any singer of her rep has sung the theme song of a DAY TIME TALK SHOW. But I could be wrong. Either way, I hope this was worth the wait. I’m still on cloud 9. I will post some pictures of her and me at the session later on today.

Peace. You’re talking to one happy sister.

Love from the Airport

At the airport going to work. Just wanted to stop and holler. Didn’t have time this morning. Played tennis and then had to do the best I could to get the family ready for my unexpected departure.

Go Greener you always have something interesting to say. I want to blog on your comment : why is it so hard do be human? Why do I have to keep trying to improve? Why can’t I just be myself? I love that. I am going to think about it and see what I come up with.

Also for those of you who are new friends or don’t come here often and send me a message please don’t get offended if I don’t respond. (every couple of months or so I get accused of being arrogant because I don’t respond to messages sent to me) I wish I could but I just can’t. If I responded to all request comments and hellos I get through mail, MySpace, Email etc. I wouldn’t have time to do anything else!!!

I’m just one person with millions of TV viewers. (and believe me I value each and every one of you) I try to give this a personal touch but it’s just not possible to be all things to all people.

Givin’ it the best I got. Trust me.

Runnin' and Workin'09

Lots going on today with my new project. Hope to get the green light to tell you about it soon. May have to fly to LA tomorrow to handle some business unexpectedly. Tell you what, that got a cool reception at Casa Toler. Don’t know what else to do. It is so funny, if I were a guy I wouldn’t feel guilty at all.

Got to work.
Got to make money.
Got to go.

Still feel like crap.

But anyway, to my crew member working the rules in my book. 1. I’m glad it’s helping. 2. The wrong feeling doesn’t go away right away. The overriding rule in the book is work your emotions like a job. That’s a long term thing. But the thing is the longer you work it the easier it gets. Just like anything else. Good for you!

Ya’ll take it light and easy. I can’t for a while so you will have to hold down the cool and calm front for me.
If you’re a praying person send one up for me. Trying to step up and out!!

The First Fight

Got a question from someone who asked me how to deal with difficult in-laws. She said they are nice to her in front of her husband but when they are alone with her they try to pick fights and then tell her husband that she said things she didn’t say.

If I ever write a second My Mother’s Rules this would be the first rule in it The First Fight is Always with Yourself.

You can’t change other people – only your response to them. So you have to ask yourself: What are these people trying to do? Start an argument? Cause friction between you and your hubby? Figure out what it is and concentrate on putting up a road block between the outcome they seek and the behavior they engage in (since you can’t change their behavior outright). You can adjust it though but only by adjusting yourself.

Here’s what I’d do:

1. Always agree with anything negative they say about me if I can:

Them: “That’s a terrible dress you have on.”
Me: “Really? Fashion is not my thing. Thanks for the heads up.”

or

Them: “You shouldn’t let your kids to X It will . . . ”
Me: “No kiddin’? I never thought about it that way. Let me talk it over with hubby.”

Them: “You are always …” or “you never. . . ”
Me: Is that right? You know it’s never my intention to hurt your feelings. If I did My Bad.”

Them: “You should stop . . . ”
Me: “You know I’ve thought about that but I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the best thing for me right now so I’m going to stick with it. I appreciate your input, though. Who knows I may come around to your way of thinking one day. God’s not finished with any of us yet.”

Get the idea? If people can’t get a rise out of you they stop. Takes time but they’ll figure it out.

You don’t have to change but you don’t have to defend yourself and you most certainly don’t have to fight with them. But in order to pull this off you do have to fight with yourself. You must fight the urge to respond in kind. You have to fight the urge to get angry or let them bother you. You smile. You tell yourself it doesn’t matter and eventually it won’t. You get good enough at it you will even get amused. My mother said this not too long ago and I think it’s brilliant. When asked of someone’s insult hurt her feeling she said:

“I wear my knowledge of other people like a suit of armor. They cannot hurt me with words”

With respect to starting mess with the hubby how I would handle that is very much a function of who my hubby is. Some different approaches.

1. Anticipate the trouble without starting trouble: For instance when they are about to come over say IN AN AMUSED FASHION: ‘You know I love your family but they’re working me. I promise not to say anything negative today and if I fail I’ll let you know what I said. Full honesty. Trying to get along with them.”

That way if they tell I lie on you he will be more likely to see it as such. And you have to be truthful. if they pulled you into something let him now immediately: “Babe I tried but I did say . . . ‘ This one takes a little time to work.

2. Don’t complain about them to him but ask for his help. “You know I am really trying to get along with your family. Your mom often says X or Y: what do I do to get her to like me/cut it out?” Now listen I’m not saying you have to do what they say but let him know you are trying and are willing to make small meaning adjustments for the sake of harmony. That makes you a bigger person.

3. And don’t forget the Anit-insult edict in my book. It takes you through – in detail – how to deal with people who are negative.

Stay cool. Stay above it. Stay amused. Get your head right before they come. Globalize your Pain Quotient. (You are, after all, not a mother of three starving children in the drought ravaged Sudan) Tolerate the little people well. Can’t let them run your day.

That’s my ten cents worth on that.

On a personal note:

1. Got stood up fro a 6:00 am tennis date. That made me a little warm. Not one of the three other women showed. I am going to assume I got it wrong right now. That’s the best way to take my mood back. I’ll email and find out. Till then, I’m good.

2. “This is not a restaurant!” said that to 14 three times yesterday. He’s always hungary but never willing to eat what I have. I have my own culinary failures so well in sight I have become too accommodating with the meal choice thing. New day. New program. If it’s edible. Eat it. If you just don’t like it. Fix yourself something else. Too lazy? Stay hungry.

3. Jullian I was a little worried when she was throwing up s’mores in camp but by the time I got to the therapist R I was laughing so loud my husband said “what the hell are you reading?” Good recommendation.

Stay cool.

Getting a New Number

I am getting a new number because my kids have my old one and they keep dialing it up.

This is a homework thing. (You know, I didn’t mind school so much the first time I went through it but these second and thrid visits I’m making with sons V and VI are about to send me straight to the loony bin.)

My children know me well enough to work me. I have these three personality traits which they understand and use to their advantage: 1) I am big on school and life learning. 2) I am impatient – in the extreme. . . . 3) and I can’t stand a lot of silly stuff.

Youngest son does the following: He hides the educational ball. To hear him tell it, he NEVER has any homework. Or whatever homework he did have he finished in school. And last but not least, any and all work, no matter its amount or nature, is due NEXT TUESDAY.

His excuses, notwithstanding, the boy isn’t failing because he has no 4th amendment rights. He is subject to search and seizure the minute he walks in the door. I do everything short of make him drop the book bag, put his hands on the wall and spread ’em. I search his stuff. I search him. I am on line with his teachers. I know what his assignments are before he does.

The problem is once I get the info I want to kick educational behind. He just wants to shut me up. So here’s the brilliant move on his part. He gets started and then comes to me with: “I don’t understand” “What does that mean?” ” I didn’t see that” or “Well what are you supposed to do?”

I get him started. He then says things like; “Now what?” “I thought I was done?” or “Well what else is there?”

Next thing you know I’m saying “Can’t you see that . . . ” Then I do a problem and say “Do the next one like that.” He stares blankly into space. He writes down something dumb. I say “Didn’t I just show you. . . ?” “Look this is what you need to do . . ”
Next thing you know, I’m angry and he’s walking away with his homework all done. He has neither lifted a finger nor activated a single brain cell.

My older son has my number as well but he uses a different phone line. He comes to me with his work. Tells me how overwhelmed he is and how important it is for him to do well. He says things like “I don’t know where to get started with this” I give him an idea. He says “That’s good.” Then writes it down. Afterwards he says: “What do you think we should do next?” (you do see the importance of the pronoun he used don’t you?) I say “OOOOHHHH you know what would be cool. . . ” Do I need to tell you how this story ends?

Here’s the lesson. I KNOW better than to do this but my children read my emotional state and use it against me. Emotions, I am telling you, they are the key.

But that’s okay. I’m done now. I’m getting them a tutor (I tried having my husband take over but I began to feared for the boys’ safety.) I am going to pay somebody to do what I can’t. I am cheap but I know what money is for. I don’t get my nails done. I perm my own hair. I buy most of my clothes at Target. (and I’m not pleading poor. How dumb would that be? You know what I do for a living.)

I may not be a good teacher but I know where my money is supposed to go.

So like I said, they got my number but I’m shutting that switchboard down.

If this is a war of attrition. I plan to be the last man standing.

More from JudgeLynn

Divorce Court

Speaking

Words

Best of Judge Lynn

Books

*Audiobook Version*
My Mother's Rules" is a humorous, easy to follow self-help guide to managing your emotional life.

My Mother's Rules" is a humorous, easy to follow self-help guide to managing your emotional life.

Using lessons learned on the bench along with humorous anecdotes from her own 30 year marriage, Judge Lynn Toler wrote "Making Marriage Work" as a logical and simple guide to bringing back the practicality lost in relationships over the years.

Connect with Judge Lynn

Memorial Night

Posted by on Jun 24, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments

Can you imagine having Chaka Khan singing some lyrics you wrote? Now let’s not get it twisted. She wrote most of the song – but I had sent her my attempt at lyrics and she used the hook Do I I Do with You and (as she pointed out to me last night another) another […]

Love from the Airport

Posted by on Jun 17, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments

At the airport going to work. Just wanted to stop and holler. Didn’t have time this morning. Played tennis and then had to do the best I could to get the family ready for my unexpected departure. Go Greener you always have something interesting to say. I want to blog on your comment : why […]

Runnin' and Workin'09

Posted by on Jun 16, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments

Lots going on today with my new project. Hope to get the green light to tell you about it soon. May have to fly to LA tomorrow to handle some business unexpectedly. Tell you what, that got a cool reception at Casa Toler. Don’t know what else to do. It is so funny, if I […]

The First Fight

Posted by on Jun 15, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments

Got a question from someone who asked me how to deal with difficult in-laws. She said they are nice to her in front of her husband but when they are alone with her they try to pick fights and then tell her husband that she said things she didn’t say. If I ever write a […]

Getting a New Number

Posted by on Feb 5, 2009 in The Blog | No Comments

I am getting a new number because my kids have my old one and they keep dialing it up. This is a homework thing. (You know, I didn’t mind school so much the first time I went through it but these second and thrid visits I’m making with sons V and VI are about to […]